Dear Grandma,
I had to say goodbye to you this week. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I still cannot believe that you're not here. My mind is literally exhausted from the reeling of memories and sounds and smells of my past repeating themselves over and over. I miss you already, and I so desperately need one of your hugs and for you to reassure me that it's all going to be okay. I know it is--I know that you are rejoicing in heaven with God and all of the angels. I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that God greeted you with a "Well done, my good and faithful servant." And I must agree--well done, Grandma.
I am so blessed to have had you for 35 years of my life. I am so eternally grateful to God for that, and for the fact that you knew and loved my husband and children. I hate that the younger cousins will not get to share that experience, but I think that you've left such an amazing legacy that hopefully the rest of us can make up for your absence.
You would have been so proud of us this week. I kept imagining you beaming down on us from heaven. We were all together for the first time in so, so long. Uncle D & Aunt C talked and hugged even for the first time in thirty years. Uncle D & C look to be making up as well. I'm praying extra hard for that one. C was the first one to the house to be with Grandpa after we all heard the news. We were all devastated, Grandma. But Papa was our pillar of strength, as I knew he would be. His first words to me were, "Your Grandma's gone to heaven." He was very heaven-minded. D & I were talking about how shocked we were that you went before Papa. But D's husband made a great point. He said that you had taken care of Papa for so long, that you probably just went ahead to get heaven ready for him. I thought that was really comforting.
I hurt so much that it's hard to find words. I was always instantly transformed into a little girl at your house. All of a sudden, that's not the case anymore. You're gone, and I can't be Grandma's girl anymore. In the blink of an eye, I became an adult. I know that probably sounds silly, but you had the power to make me feel almost childlike, but in all the best ways. I always knew that everything was going to be okay. You have never let anything hurt me. And when horrible things happened in life, you were the first person I searched for. In my Grandma's arms was safety and comfort and protection from all of the bad in the world.
I want you to know that I honestly believe you are one of the best people God ever placed on this planet. You've led this family like no one else ever could have. D & I were saying that we think that God gave us you because He knew we were going to need you, and we did. You were there when my father, your son, walked out of my life. You were there when my daddy adopted me. You were there when my daddy died. You were there when Grandma & Grandpa B died. You were there when I graduated. You were there when I got married. You've always, always been there. I cannot tell you how blessed and so utterly grateful to God I am.
I'm sorry that G did not show up to pay his last respects. I was really hoping that he would, and I think Grandpa was hoping so, too. Clearly, none of us have ever been able to predict his actions. I have teetered between resentment and hatred and pity for him this past week. But, in this moment I know that you would tell me just to pray for him. And I will. He needs it, apparently.
K told me this week that he was proud of me. It was....I can't even find the words to tell you what that meant to me. But I am who I am because of my family. You and Papa and K and my mom, especially, but so many of the others, too.
I miss you, Grandma. I brought home the cookie jar like you told me to a couple of summers ago. I had no idea when we talked about it then that I would be taking it with me so soon. It's ironic--you had a little sleeve of nutter butter wafers in it, like you knew. I also collected all of the grapes. I'm going to send a vine each to D & C, and of course J will get some, too. I have a bottle of your perfume, because I can't imagine never smelling you again. You had the most amazing Grandma scent. I also took that silly music box that sat in the TV room for most, if not all, of my childhood--the one with the couple on it that says, "Love means never having to say I'm sorry." We had to look around for it to find it, because you had moved it at some point. But I found it. I remember growing up and getting mad because I always disagreed with the saying. I feel like it should say, "Love means caring enough to say you're sorry."
I can't delete your number from my cell phone just yet. I'm not that far yet. I can't bring myself to do it.
I hope to one day be half the woman you were. You were so immensely loved and admired and adored. I will forever, in my heart, be your girl. I am so proud to be your granddaughter. We'll take good care of Papa while you're getting heaven ready for him. My heart hurts, so please tell Jesus to give me a little extra comfort. I really need it.
See you some day,
R
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