So NOT the perfect Mom....

I definitely don't claim to be perfect, especially when it comes to being a Mother.  I have undoubtedly made a mistake or two, as all mothers do.  It just hurts especially bad when it becomes blatantly obvious that you made a mis-judgement. 

Yesterday, my nine year old spent the entire afternoon at school in BCR--the behavior control room... (kinda sounds like a place with padded walls where someone is strapped in a vest, doesn't it).  It's the "new" acronym for what we all used to call detention or in-school suspension.  He was also written up.  Turns out that he was telling another boy about a video he'd seen on YouTube where Elmo kills Barney.  He was quoting a line from the video where one person or character apparently tells the other to "Shut the F up."  Just like that--he actually said the letter 'F', not the whole word (thank God, not that that makes it any better). 

So, in retrospect, I have to admit that I've clearly made some mistakes.  Yes, I KNOW he's going to say these words at school.  We all did.  Yes, I know he's going to hear this language at school.  We all did.  But, I made a mistake in a couple of ways.  Here are my admissions of guilt:

1.  First and foremost, I do not regularly take my kids to church.  I'd like to blame it on work, because I do, in fact, work a lot of Sundays.  But I don't even take them on a regular basis when I'm not working.  So, that's going to change immediately. 
2.  I have allowed my kids to play on YouTube.  Usually, I am in the room.  But, clearly, I haven't been paying enough attention.  So, he's lost YouTube for pretty much a permanent basis until he's forty years old. 
3.  I have allowed them to listen to or watch music and shows with adult language in them.  Let me say, in my defense (not that it matters at this point), that I have always had conversations with my boys about trust.  They are ONLY allowed to listen to or watch stuff that I approve of, and then only if I can trust that they know the difference between what is acceptable to say and what is not, and that I can trust them not to repeat the stuff they know is unacceptable.  Obviously, I cannot trust that anymore.  Trust broken. 

Now, there's two parts of me waging war.  The first says that this isn't such a big deal.  Even his teacher kinda defended him in that he was just relating a story and he didn't actually say the word, but it was still inappropriate and needed to be disciplined.  I get it.  She says she hears much, much worse on a regular basis and that this is not normal for my kid (thank God).  But the other side of me says that if I go easy on him, this is just opening a door for worse language.  That is NOT okay for me.  I do realize that this is totally normal--I went through the same thing at his age.  You want to see the reaction from the other kids when you drop the bad word.  It makes you feel all tough and big.  I get it.  But, I don't in any way want him to think that I condone this behavior at all. 

But I did feel horrible last night.  My hubby brought him up to work to face me and tell me about what had happened.  I was horrified, disappointed, and embarrassed.  I let him know in no uncertain terms all of those things.  He was crying (which ALWAYS breaks my heart, no matter what he's done).  I doled out his punishment before kissing him and telling him that I loved him.  And then they drove away.  Is it normal for me to still hurt after I've made him cry, even if he did deserve it?  Despite his "tough man show" exterior, I know that he is a very sensitive, self-conscious kid.  I don't ever, ever want to break his spirit or make him doubt himself.  And I worry about that all the time.  I always, always, always follow up punishment with love.  I want to make sure that they know that poor decisions to not cause me to love them any less.  But is it enough? 

I wonder if other mothers worry about the same things that I do.  Like I said, I know I'm going to make mistakes.  I just want a three things for their lives:

1.  That they are saved and have a strong faith in God.  (I've led them both to be saved, and for that I am very proud.  Now I just have to reinforce it--see back to mistake #1 above.)
2.  That they know they are immensely, unconditionally, and forever loved by their parents.  That they know how grateful to God I am that they are mine and that I've been blessed with raising them.  That they know they ALWAYS have a home.  That they know how proud I am to be their mother. 
3.  That they are happy.  That they know how to live life to the fullest, laugh at themselves, and not take things so seriously all the time.  Learn from their mistakes, accept the challenges that life hands you, and know that all things happen for a reason.  That they know how to love and be loved. 

I suppose if I achieve these three things in life, I shall consider myself a success.